sonic decay

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when did we all get 
so fucking tainted 
I don’t see things 
like I used to see ’em 
something messed me up 
along the way 
I take no pride 
in this twisted take 
that I have on everything 
it’s warped 
it’s bruised 
it’s busted 
ego filled 
with too much shame… 
even these letters 
feel so very small 
as I release them 
toward the page 
as I speak these sounds 
my voice feels weaker, 
sonic decay 
I feel swords 
all around me, 
monsters dressed in blades 
miss panic has somehow found me 
and you know she always 
gets her way…
she’s crawling on all fours 
eating from the animals’ dishes 
 — who is she? 
when a tree falls in the forest 
do the cryptic motherfuckers 
begin to chant her name? 
and does it do anything anyhow 
other than ravage 
her peasant-thrift brain…
ah, screw it, 
it’s all just change, no cause…
I know who I am 
and I know where I want to be 
and that’s enough 
I don’t participate in bad scenes 
 — that’s my motto, 
you hear?

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“The most dangerous kind of person… is one who is afraid of his own shadow.”
― Philip K. Dick, A Scanner Darkly

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Garbage Notes:

This is another poem in a series of poems I wrote while I was reading A Scanner Darkly. The first one I talked about was called overwrought in murk. This current piece, however, is less about trying to understand reality and predict the future, and more about self doubt. About not being sure that the person you’re presenting to the world is the strongest version of yourself.

This ego uncertainty is best embodied in the line, “as I speak these sounds 
my voice feels weaker, sonic decay.” When shit goes bad all around you, it can alter your self-image and affect your confidence. Whether those failings are your fault or not, it still hits you hard, and you find yourself not speaking as loudly or with as much force as you used to.

You also begin to feel untrusting and wary of other people. This idea is captured in the line, “I feel swords all around me, monsters dressed in blades.” And perhaps this phrase is the one that connects most vividly with the content of Dick’s novel. There’s a great deal of skepticism and paranoia in A Scanner Darkly. The protagonist isn’t sure who he can rely on. He thinks even his closest friends are out to get him.

There’s also a sense of existential anxiety that runs through this poem. Characterized as Miss Panic, this force is the kind of thing that grabs you by the throat and causes your heart to race, leaving you afraid to do normal things, lest you be gripped by the constant threat of catastrophe.

And finally, the line that takes us to the finish is, “all change, with no cause.” This is real doom and gloom here, and it’s a theme that echoes PKD’s horrifying speculative vision of not the future, but the present. As things seem to constantly shift all around us, we are rarely able to gain traction. There seems to be change with no logic. Evolution without progress.

But, as always, I had to end on at least a little bit of a positive note. Because, in the middle of the chaos, there is still you, with all your talent—and it is absolutely within your power to sit there peacefully in the eye of the storm. If you hold true to your convictions, remain steadfast in your vision, and maintain your own relationship with yourself, you can stand up to most forms of tyranny. That’s when you can and will find some solace and redemption.

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Franco Amati 2024

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