winter penance

Photo by Plato Terentev

in winter’s watered-down light
I am at my weakest…
December looms
and I feel my power start to drain…
it’s easy to say it’s the cold
that makes me start to feel this way
but I think it’s a lot of things…
it’s the lack of sun
when I’m supposed to start the day
it’s the death of newness
it’s the skies of grey
it’s the need to stay indoors
it’s old traumas of the mind
that begin to take up space…
I don’t know about you,
but it all hits harder
when the mercury drops…
everything falls faster — the hopes,
the optimism, all but gone…
fear takes over — anxiety takes the reins,
and restlessness never seems to stop
people running around like rats,
facing a losing battle
against a closing year,
no time to make amends
for our deepest sins
even petty grievances,
we can’t find the capacity to forgive…
no desire to walk out the door,
to take out the trash
or ride to the fucking store
man, the winter really sucks!
it’s a north east punishment,
a tri-state curse…
the parks are apocalyptic,
the malls overrun with jerks,
gas bills through the roof…
and the animals who can’t hibernate
become brutally deranged
it’s the end for them,
but don’t worry, it’s not the end for you
until the frozen face of life begins to melt,
you must hang on, my friend, be still…
because in time, your world, and you,
will come alive again

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Garbage Notes:

I wrote this as a way to reflect on some of the challenges of winter. I know a lot of people struggle with seasonal issues. Depression, anxiety—you name it. It all seems to get worse when the cold hits.

And it’s not just the cold. There’s a dread associated with knowing you’ll have less daylight. Less time to enjoy the sun. If you’re working most of the day indoors, in artificial settings, you start to get bitter and resentful that almost all of your day has been taken from you.

I can feel it in the core of my body. The struggle to sleep at night, knowing you have to wake up when it’s still pitch black out there. Those temperatures drop, and you look out the window and everything is grey and encrusted in ice.

Even the people start to feel colder than usual. Distant, distracted. But that’s just because they’re all going through it too. They’re dealing with the same stresses of the season.

Trying to get things done before the year ends. Trying to get their families through the holidays. Feeling the pressure to be there for other people when you can barely be there for yourself.

Sometimes I look out the window, sad to see the squirrels and bunnies and ducks all gone, wishing I could hibernate right along with them. But of course we can’t—we have to continue to function, through what might sometimes feel like an apocalypse of the soul.

I wanted to end the poem on a positive note. As hard as it is, winter does have some beautiful things associated with it. As harsh as the weather can be, snow is still really gorgeous. And though we spend more time indoors, there’s a warmth that gathers amongst people who love each other. If you can draw strength from the people around you, then you can get through it. You can survive.

Winter’s a time to be thankful and count your blessings, to rest, to go slow, to be charitable and patient, and to take stock of where your life is going. So that when the spring comes, you can return to life with more energy and a greater sense of who you are and what you want.

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Franco Amati 2025

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