There’s this thing I do
where I can tell a conversation is going somewhere I don’t want it to
I’ll pretend some random, pressing thought has suddenly occurred to me —
I’ll do the wide eyes and everything —
I’ll glance in a couple different directions like I’m rapidly introspecting,
and then I’ll look at the clock or at my phone
and I’ll ask the person what day it is, and then I’ll be like, oh good, I thought it was Wednesday for a sec
Yeah, no — it’s all good. There was this thing I thought I had to do
And by that point they’re so mentally discombobulated
from my own apparent mental discombobulation
that I can easily ask them about something mundane and safe
and totally non-threatening
You see, sensitive people have a way of knowing when a conversation is veering off
in the wrong direction… It’s not exactly, like, mind reading or anything
It’s more like a certain animalistic apprehension that gets triggered somewhere in your unconsciousness — and that sends an alarm blaring throughout your brain
Could be that someone’s about to make a comment about your body — maybe they’re about to ask you about that novel you gave up on writing,
or they’re about to ask you how school’s going, or maybe they want to know if you’re still dating so-and-so…
And, you know, none of that shit leads to a good answer for you, because it’s all fucked,
and hardly anything is going right these days
and pretty much nothing works out the way you want it to
So, yeah — you just fake them out and then ask if they saw that rainbow last Thursday evening — yeah, right — it was like a double-rainbow — yep, it was beautiful — right, no yeah, I definitely got pics of it too, pretty nuts, well, all right — you take care now
It was good seeing you too—yep, see you next time, talk again soon
Garbage Notes:
Conversational misdirection—it’s in every introvert’s social defense arsenal. There was actually a double-rainbow that evening. And I was at work at the front desk and it was all anyone would talk about for days. It was stupid and weird, and if there’s something like this that you can use to distract people from the kinds of conversations you don’t want to have—then why not?
People can be socially oblivious sometimes. Human beings can be crude, insensitive, and thoughtless. And it’s shocking how they can be this way even in the most casual and/or professional of settings.
If you barely know someone, certain personal questions shouldn’t be asked. And if you do know someone, certain pointed questions should only be asked with subtlety and compassion and only if it seems like the person is receptive to those lines of inquiry.
But people don’t get it. They think if you’re there—if you’re right in front of them, then you’re fodder for conversation. You’ll be the victim of small talk, the worst kind. And what else can you do?
Well you can do whatever works. And don’t be ashamed about it. We have to protect ourselves, especially if we’re more introverted. It’s a world where the meek will be run down if they don’t fight for the right to be themselves.
So, anyway. I still do this sometimes. But over the years, as I’ve gotten older, I’ve gotten more direct about it. I’m more willing to tell people when I don’t want to talk about a particular thing. Or if they’re bringing something up that isn’t appropriate for the particular context, I’ll tell them. Sometimes politely, sometimes with some attitude—it depends on their intent and whether they deserve a little wake-up, you know.
If I get interrupted when I’m trying to be quiet or concentrating, I’ll put people in their place. Like I literally just had to do while I was writing this commentary—go figure! Anyway, I try to be less passive aggressive these days, but it’s not always easy. So as I said in the poem, go do that thing you had to do, and don’t let other people’s bullshit get in the way.
Franco Amati 2023
As I'm British, my approach is to scream inwardly in horror at the way the conversation is barrelling down the tracks towards hell and social embarrassment … while nodding and smiling inanely. Then I say something random and probably offensive. Then we all wonder what just happened here. Yours is better, but ... did I mention I'm British?
I once said, “Shit! . . . I left the stove on,” and then ran away.