sometimes you can't go back

Photo by Alexey Demidov on Pexels

if you don’t use it, you lose it…
the dugongs and the manatees, 
the dolphins and the killer whales, 
all must stay in the ocean — 
there’s no walking on their legs again, 
there’s no hunting on the land…
breathing the air shows they were 
dry fauna once, but no more… 
complex features, once they’re gone, 
are unlikely to return

you gamble, you take a chance, 
and it works out once — 
but you can’t be sure you’ll be 
so lucky once again…
you can’t go back, 
they won’t take you back…
you got your ocean limbs now 
and you are one of them — 
you are one with those 
who reach new depths, 
even if it’s dark and scary — 
a cold and hard existence, 
and you are not so well adapted 
like the fish — 
but you can’t go back up, 
you can’t go back to climbing trees 
and jumping gaps, 
to throwing your voice 
across the plains hoping 
to inspire awe and fear 
in all who might be there 
to listen…
you will never ever 
stand up straight again

but, my friend, I have chosen 
to glide instead! 
I have chosen to filter feed instead! 
I have gained new organs 
to see my reality — I speak in clicks 
and what to you must seem like telepathy…
I am the smartest beast beneath the sea 
and this internal light inside my mind 
illuminates the depths…
my resolve erases all darkness

so no, I won’t ever go back — 
whether you say it’s too late or not! 
this has been my chosen path, 
this was survival, 
this was all I could do 
with the circumstances 
thrust upon me, 
a choice if ever there was one, 
so do not ever take it away! 
I swim now…
I am the embodiment of story now…
and your world is in my past

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Garbage Notes:

I’ve always been fascinated by aquatic mammals. And admittedly, animals such as dolphins, walruses, and whales tend to make recurring appearances in my work.

I think what interests me most about these animals is their evolutionary path. The fact that a species would leave the water, live on land for millions of years, and then go back to the water says a great deal about the internal adaptability of an organism.

I personally wish I could adapt to any environment. I like to think I’m good at adjusting to new ways of living. But sometimes transitioning to an entire new mode of existence is fucking hard.

I guess it’s all about the kinds of pressure you’re under. What is it that’s forcing you to change? Part of what I can relate to so much is the question of what causes an animal—or in this case a person—let’s face it I’m actually talking about people here. What does it take for a human being to choose such a radically different trajectory? So much so that they’re willing to revise all their actions, patterns, and thought processes just to have a new chance at thriving?

When I transitioned from my previous career to being a writer, the path was not easy. And to be honest, I’m still dealing with a lot of the fallout and day-to-day difficulties of having become a creative person later in life.

To go from a scientist who was forced to think in very concrete and linear ways, to then abandoning everything that worked for me in favor of spontaneity, lateral thinking, and even daydreaming as a means of productivity—well, that took some time for me to get used to.

And when I say it took getting used to, what I really mean is that it took time for other people around me to get used to it—for them to accept a new iteration of Franco Amati.

When part of our self perception is linked closely to the way others perceive us, it can be very difficult to violate those expectations so drastically and suddenly. To maintain one’s sense of self through tremendous change is no small feat.

Anyway, you can read into the rest of the poem however you like. This is just part of what was going on in my head when I wrote it. I think my favorite part of the poem happens to be the three concluding lines. “I swim now…I am the embodiment of story now…and your world is in my past!”

It encapsulates a feeling that is both scary but also liberating. You may have to swim in the darkest depths. But like the dolphin, once you find your flow, you will always be free.

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Franco Amati 2024

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