there’s a certain delirium that comes
on the brink of facing a long-held fear…
am I still that boy who was terrified
to give a speech in front of the class?
pulse pounding and your mind starts to hover
an eerie few inches just above your own head
— you’re up next, you’re up next
shit, I’m not sure a voice will even come out
— not sure I’ll even remember what to say…
the room, it expands
and somehow I shrink, palms glide
and lips crackle dry
— don’t even know if I can take it…
teacher looks heinous, the beast
that’s making me do this terrible thing
pants powdered and puffy, chalk-dusted freak
writing funny little things
no one else in the room’s allowed to see…
why must we do this?
…………… !!
but, you know, I faced it all before
long ago, and many times since — I overcame it all
— I made it over the fence —
we all confront challenges,
we go from scared little kids
to slaying impossible monsters
with all that’s within us
but we must never stop doing it —
we should never play it safe,
because what rattles in the night
will always creep right on back…
so each time we must rise
and do it again,
speak louder and stand proud
and recapture our moments
day after day
Garbage Notes:
This piece is about conquering fears. Specifically, I’m recalling a time in my youth when I was terribly afraid of public speaking.
Up until my early twenties I never really felt good about speaking in front of an audience. It absolutely terrified me. It was to the point where I’d have these out of body experiences. I’d stand there petrified, sweating, heart racing, unable to articulate like an actual functioning human.
Being in academia, of course I had to overcome that fear just to survive. You’re expected to learn how to teach and express yourself with confidence and a certain sense of poise.
I’d always been good at communicating. But I think the more I gained confidence in expressing my thoughts publicly, the more fluid my style became. The more expertise I acquired, the easier it was. And the more I practiced and failed over and over again, the better it all got.
Over time I got used to the feeling. I found a way to channel the anxiety into a form of excitement, to where it was actually a performance enhancing thing, rather than something that held me back.
Eventually I became pretty good at lecturing. Even to the point where I sometimes enjoyed it. I will say, though, most of the satisfaction came afterwards—after the act was finished. After I knew I had accomplished something difficult.
Now, as a writer, I confront a whole new type of public arena. The great dark and unpredictable abyss of the internet. Publishing my work for literally anyone in the world to see, read, scrutinize and critique is a whole new challenge.
In some ways it’s easier because you don’t have a sea of bored faces staring back at you. In other ways it’s harder because you’re not in the same room—you can’t feed off their energy or take comfort in their human presence.
So every time I send out these Garbage Notes, every time I read my work out loud, and every time I put myself out there for the world to judge, I think back to that petrified version of me. I think about how I somehow pushed through it. And how I managed to overcome myself.
Franco Amati 2023
I deeply relate to this. I almost become someone else to get through the moment. That's how much I don't like public speaking. But, it's unavoidable especially since I've embraced being a poet.
Thanks for sharing this and especially the fact that the fear remains, though it changes or adds on layers, even with the accumulation of practice and expertise.