paradise for the broken

Photo by Sam J on Pexels

on the other side of that great divide, 
pleasures so grand, they stultify 
meet me there
dressed in the clothes of another time 
car crash, you were so upset 
don’t know if I’m ready for all this 
from tourist to resident, oh 
you touched me that night, 
and from that moment on, life became real 
who wants to live 
somewhere nothing matters? 
I do 
I do 
take the chance and exist there with me 
toes digging around in simulated sand 
and pop-synth tracks bouncing 
off fiberoptic moonlight 
traces of a once-burning tree 
etched in silicon cells 
you…here…
forever with me 
fingers flick and anything can happen 
the struggles of the past are no longer real 
take what you want of the people we once were 
and, by all means, discard the rest 
we won’t need it here 
in this place of pure thought 
where pristine information 
has granted 
a sort of paradise for the broken

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Garbage Notes:

This poem is based on a Black Mirror episode called San Junipero. If you’re a fan of the show then you probably know this is widely considered one of the standout episodes of the series. And for me when I first watched it, it had me in tears. It was emotionally gripping and intellectually deep. And to this day I still think it’s one of the best single one-off episodes of any show I’ve ever seen.

As for the poem here, much of the content refers to aspects of the plot which centers on a simulated afterlife that the sick and elderly can inhabit. In San Junipero, the residents live like they’re young again even long after they die. It’s a classic science fiction theme—the simulated reality—but this episode takes it to a deeper philosophical level by examining the question of love in a virtual afterlife.

The line “who wants to live somewhere nothing matters?” is taken from a dialogue in the show where the main characters Kelly and Yorkie discuss the possibility of having a real relationship in their virtual world. Kelly poses this question, considering the pitfalls of life in a world where literally anything can happen and all objects of desire are easily attainable. When there is no pain or suffering, no risk of death, no prospect of failure, and no ‘real life’ stakes, she wonders whether such a life is worth living.

Somewhere nothing matters means there are no real life consequences. And when you think about it, it’s the real life consequences that tend to make our day-to-day life so difficult and unbearable. It’s why we escape in the first place. It’s why we become obsessed with television and movies and books and poetry and social media and video games. These fantasy worlds allow us to connect with other humans without risk and without judgement—without mortal danger.

Kelly and Yorkie begin to struggle with their newly found attraction. It’s eventually revealed that Yorkie suffered a major car accident in her youth which had caused her to become paralyzed. Because of this trauma, she’s never gotten the chance to explore her own sexual identity. She doesn’t know what it’s like to be physically intimate with another human being. So being able to explore this in the virtual world is a revelation to her. For her, San Junipero becomes as real as anything ever could be.

Many of us who live unsatisfying or tedious lives may not be happy with our actual realities. So whatever fictional or ‘fake’ worlds we choose to inhabit may feel more authentic than our boring moment-to-moment existence. We’re dying to live, and virtual escape is sometimes the only option.

This is where I refer back to the first line of the poem, ‘pleasures so grand they stultify’. I chose the word stultify deliberately, because to individuals so mired in monotony, we probably wouldn’t even know what to do when confronted with boundless opportunity.

We’re so not used to getting the pleasures we want in ‘real life’ that it could be so strange and yet intensely gratifying for us to roam free in an otherwise metaphorical plane of existence. It could be all we have. It could be everything when you really think about it.

So when it comes down to it, are we really willing to cross that great divide into something unknown, into something potentially infinite? Death is frightening in its permanence. Forever is a scary place. What is the afterlife truly like? That’s the major theme of San Junipero.

If we could choose to live forever, would we? Moreover, is it any choice at all if the alternative is effectively nothing? Blankness, darkness, eternal nothingness…

Sure we’d choose it when nothing is the alternative. But to most people, nothing isn’t what they believe is waiting for them on the other side. Many people instinctually believe in some kind of heaven. But what kind of heaven would it be if we have no option to leave it? San Junipero asks that question. Would an unlimited digital afterlife be heaven if you could never escape?

There’s a scene in the show where they depict the dark side of San Junipero, a seedy club where the inhabitants go to hurt themselves—to feel pain, to self-torture, or engage in literally any self-destructive behavior that will cause them to feel alive again. And I think this part of the episode, this element of masochism, was deliberately included to emphasize the potential cost of forever. No matter how grand it is, you will eventually come to feel stuck and numb and dead inside…

This dread of permanent consequence—it’s why people abandon their families. It’s why they try to self-sabotage their careers. Why they cheat on their partners. Why they create things and then destroy their own creations in pursuit of a fresh start.

Humans need constant reinvention. We have to allow one another to be whoever we choose to be at whatever time we choose it. Because heaven isn’t being in one place for all time. A true heaven means always feeling like we have the freedom to start again if we so desire.

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Franco Amati 2024

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