“I’m worried about you.” Yeah sure…
That’s the kind of shit people say
when they’re surprised you’re not doing
what they expect you to do.
Those are the kinds of words people use to manipulate you,
to control you,
to get you to do what they want for their own selfish reasons.
No one ever says they’re concerned about you when you’re killing yourself to make them happy.
No one is ever worried about you when you abandon your own needs in favor of theirs.
No one ever thinks you’re having a problem when you smile
for their benefit.
No one ever wonders about you when you stop everything you’re doing
at the drop of a hat to cater to them, to answer their calls
without hesitation,
to return their messages without delay.
When people can see and know exactly what you’re doing
at all times and have absolute certainty
that you aren’t doing something that could even remotely lead to their detriment,
that’s when they think you’re fine,
that’s when they think you’re doing a good job,
when you’re living the good life.
That’s when seeing you doesn’t make them sad or disappointed.
NO. Don’t wear the mask that someone else wants you to wear because it makes them uncomfortable to actually see your suffering.
Don’t “check in” or “keep them in the loop” or “touch base” just to relieve their insecurities
about what you might do to make them look bad. Fuck that.
If you can escape the chains that you unknowingly put on yourself, that’s a victory.
If you can see that it’s the expectations of society that are holding you back from living a simple and honest existence, then you win.
If you can get the fuck away from the abuse and oppression and the exploitation that this techno-nightmarish machine-world ropes poor unsuspecting people into, then you’ve achieved the only accomplishment worth anything.
If you can find a way to be yourself, even when everyone else is watching, expecting, hoping, and thriving on your misfortune,
then that’s all there is to it.
The only happy ending is knowing when to walk away and actually doing it on your own terms.
The only happy ending is saving your own life: ending the story before it ends you.
Garbage Notes:
I wrote this after leaving a job I hated — a really abusive, exploitative place. The lesson I learned: don’t kill yourself to make other people happy. Because ultimately, those people don’t matter anyway.
This really is applicable to many aspects of life beyond jobs, though. At various times you might be caught up in some pretty toxic dynamics with friends or family members or relationships throughout your life. And much of the same applies.
It’s the feeling like nothing you ever do is enough or when you express even the slightest bit of independent thinking or autonomy, you get shamed for it.
It’s probably worse for creative people, who always have that urge to go off into uncharted waters. People who aren’t as “predictable” or don’t keep a set schedule or who like to experience variety. If you’re the kind of person who isn’t able to be kept on a leash, so to speak, you’ll get this kind of backlash where the people around you freak out if they feel like they’re unable to keep tabs on you.
I think society likes to tame us too much. And some people in life forget what it’s like to be wild and free. They forget how to think outside the box, color outside the lines, dance to the beat of whatever cliche phrase you want to use here. But many people are rule followers and they expect you to be too. And if you’re not like that, somehow they’ll take it upon themselves to rein you in, either with criticism, pity, or faux concern for your well being.
This phrase “I’m worried about you”—did we say it in Medieval times or in Paleolithic times? Did we say it when we were setting sail to discover new places? Did we say it when we sent our people out into space in metal death traps just to say we landed on the moon? Yes, we did, because there was actual danger.
But when people start saying it because you’re taking too long to respond to emails or text messages or because you’re too quiet in meetings or because you’re five minutes late for an event or because you don’t feel like hanging out at the same bar again on a Saturday for like the millionth time. That’s not stuff to worry over. Let people go off and get lost for a while. Let people daydream and do nothing if they want. No one needs a fucking mental nanny.
So if you find yourself in one of these obnoxious situations where people are saying they’re worried about you because you’re expressing yourself honestly, because you’re being yourself, or just because you want to try something new or unexpected that to them seems out of character. Then make sure to tell those people to go fuck themselves. Because you aren’t living in a George Orwell novel. And friends, family, partners, are there to love you, not control you.
Franco Amati 2023
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"No one needs a fucking mental nanny." What a great line. Those of us who choose a different path are inundated with a good deal of this mental nanny garbage, another form of gaslighting. I feel what you are expressing. Writing and creating art are my tools to first, release my own voice and second, to share with others. Thanks again for putting words to what many of us outliers/nonconformists feel and doing so with some fire.
Oh my goodness this is excellent! Welcome to my new life, sure I have no 'friends' any more but hell I am LOVING my life ha ha. If any of those fake energy draining people came back they would be horrified about how full of joy I am!