neXt level imposter

Photo by Sam J on Pexels

there’s a slant to the spine, see? 
that’s how you know this other creature 
isn’t me…
a fabrication meant to cater to the whims 
of every other person who seems to have 
a problem with the way I like to do my things — 
if there’s a point to all this madness, 
it’s to suggest that the surface isn’t really real 
people can walk your walk 
and can talk your talk, but in the end 
they aren’t you…
they are a dupe — a fraudulent inhabitant 
of a space, a form that ignites the impression, 
evokes the sense of recognition 
somewhere in the fusiform face gyrus 
of any local idiot! 
a fool that might have at one time 
or another come into contact with you — 
or me, I mean — so be warned or rather 
be wise, so wise so as to fail to be unaware 
that the pedigree of this, this, 
this academic emulator, is a beautiful lie, 
a jockey of compulsion, a tragic sentient spy, 
natively running routines, and organically 
computing phrases, structuring syntax 
and assembling sentences and linguistic mazes 
in the bitter and unself-conscious language 
that ultimately, and finally isn’t ME — 
so, get this clear, I’m not him, 
don’t you see? I’m just the imposter 
and he’s the imposter meticulously designed 
to look and act and speak like me

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Garbage Notes:

This poem is about imposter syndrome. And it has two sources of inspiration. Some of the visual imagery is drawn from a David Cronenberg film that I was watching at the time—it’s called eXistenZ.

eXistenZ is a wild, trippy (and at times very gross) sci-fi action movie. It’s probably one of the more underrated speculative films of the 90s. It was definitely overshadowed by some of the bigger films of that era which contained similar themes, like The Matrix for example.

Jude Law is awesome in it. The plot is fast-paced and at times confusing, but its high-concept philosophical ideas are unmatched. It has quite a bit of body horror in it too, which you’d expect from Cronenberg.

Overall, it’s maybe a headier take on the whole virtual reality concept, with various twists and stages of recursion. You’re never quite sure who or what is actually real at any given moment.

The other inspiration for this poem came from my own library of work. I wrote a speculative fiction story called Academic Emulators, which ended up being published in Funemployment Quarterly back in 2022. I don’t want to give too much away, but it’s basically a science fiction take on what it’s like to have imposter syndrome, and the story itself contains both literal and figurative imposters.

As writers, I think we all feel like imposters sometimes. Even when we accomplish great things, we start to wonder how much luck has to do with it. But when we question whether or not we actually deserve to succeed, that’s when these emotions can get more toxic and can prevent us from living our best lives.

If you work hard, have interesting things to say, and you say them in your own unique voice, then there shouldn’t be any qualms about being an imposter. Keep on doing what you do. Keep on sharing your compelling vision of the world.

Take this chance to remind yourself that it doesn’t matter what other people have to say about who or what you’re trying to be. You aren’t an imposter—your successes are real and tangible. Don’t forget that.

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Franco Amati 2024

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