it’s not your fault you’re so alone
that you hold your own hand in the night
when the daylight refuses to cut through blinds
and when the stillness of the moment
feels as unbearable and conscious
as the unused space around you
it’s not your fault you are so alone
it’s not anyone else’s fault either…
go on, walk the cold tiles barefoot
in the morning, fresh from your broken
fever dreams, and listen to the birds
listen to their song of desperation
and know it is a reminder
that they are all alone too
all creatures are alone…
we all ache to convene, someday
in the hall of suffering spirits,
together, unafraid, and facing the sunrise
with so much more courage in our hearts
than we have right now
Garbage Notes:
Beware of people you meet who make you feel more alone after you interact with them than you felt before you did. I don’t think they’re bad people, really. But they’re not the people you should be around. They’re not the ones for you.
Keep moving. Go on to something else. You’ll know it when you find it. Life gives you more friends. There’s no shortage of people out there. There will be more around the corner. Get on the next bus and see what happens.
I wrote this a couple of years ago, at a time in my life where I felt particularly out of sorts. And it was weird because there were people there, you know—people I thought cared about me. But there’s this quote from our favorite dirty realist hero, CB, that says, “Real loneliness is not necessarily limited to when you are alone.”
You can feel alienated or rejected by someone who is literally right there in the room with you. It’s palpable. And it’s a much worse feeling than just being by yourself for a while.
The title comes from a time when I was writing so much fucking poetry that I was beginning to hate coming up with new titles, so I started drawing on my otherwise pointless knowledge of neuroanatomy, naming each poem after areas of the brain.
The thing is, there are just so many damn brain regions, and thanks to all the smartypants neuroscientists out there, you can pretty much find any kind of meaning or connection between a particular behavior and your favorite brain area.
So, this one became insula—it’s a part of the brain involved in awareness of pain in oneself and others, both physical and social. And it’s involved in interoception (i.e., being conscious of your own internal states). So it’s responsible for you being able to hear your own heartbeat. Now, isn’t that poetic.
Franco Amati 2023
"it’s a much worse feeling than just being by yourself for a while"
Much, much worse.
Quite comforting to hear at night. Thanks!