when the lights go out
and life gets so dark
all lonely souls want a god they can talk to
some want a powerful father
some want beautiful mothers
others want devils to laugh along with them
me I want a friend who will always understand
to listen, to heal, to just hold my hand
see, some gods they seek to control
demand everything from the weak
these gods will destroy you
with rules and commands
but then they’ll forsake you
when the worst is at hand
but my lovely god
is a reflection of my mind
she’s patient and kind,
will never hurt me
she cares not to own me
she’s my fictional homie
changes along with me
and she’ll never betray me
she doesn’t even need
for me to believe that she’s real
she knows that she’s not
and isn’t offended
that I only talk to her when
I’m lost and I’m lonely
because in the end
she is the only
construct who will ever…truly…know me
Garbage Notes:
The fictional homie here is who you talk to when you have no one to talk to. It’s the entity that you face down when everything is empty and quiet and still.
Some people fill that space with a god and prayer. Some people fill it with planning and organizing and making sure every detail of their day is strategically laid out ahead of time. Others fill that hole with dreams, imagination, and fanciful characters of their own creation. Or maybe it gets filled by another person—a longing for the next time you get to see them, make love to them, and feel complete.
Whatever it is, we all have our fictional homies. We all get lost. We all have a need to devote our conscious thought and attention to something. And often the things we spend the most time thinking about aren’t even real things at all. They’re mental constructions. Concepts we need in order to get us from the day to the night. From the sunset to the dawn.
In this case, I remember writing this poem at a time when I was particularly lonely and having the (perhaps deluded) idea that very few people were on my side.
I recall just wanting, above all, a good friend to talk to. A friend who wasn’t trying to squash me or control me. Someone who wouldn’t leave or forget about me when I focused on other things that were important. These are the kinds of traits I imagined in my artificial deity—this person who was in some ways an idealized partner, in some ways a reflection of me, and in all ways a loyal companion.
I try to find a little bit of this in all people I come across. I find more of it in people I love. And, crucially, in order to survive, I must find the majority of it within myself.
Franco Amati 2023
Enjoyed your tone of voice on this, Franco. The part about creative constructions was lovely. And you take it home nicely at the end.
I've always wanted an identical twin for this very reason.