defined by contradiction

Photo by Junchen Zhou on Pexels

don’t know where my voice goes
when I’m stuck in uncomfortable situations
I wonder where’s my fire
when the occasion for confrontation strikes
I can be disappointingly weak and petty
when freedom is at stake — when soul and life
are on the line…
fuck, I can’t take being yelled at
or being questioned about what I’m doing
from one moment to the next…
shit, it’s stuffy in here
and the droning sound of machines
chewing and scraping in the background
is starting to get to me…
where’s my messiah?
where’s the way out?
please direct me to the nearest exit sign!
ha, it’s terrifying when you begin to realize
that maybe you put the shackles on yourself…
that you are your own best agitator
that somehow your life needs discord
and disruption as much as your heart desires
solace and truth…
is this the stuff of art and lyric?
or is it an excuse?
well, I’ll tell you this,
make the most of your time in limbo
because it’s the painful contradictions
that in the end define you

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Garbage Notes:

This poem is about the fear of conflict. I struggle with confrontation. I’m a naturally peaceful person. I mostly leave people alone and like to be left alone. I don’t like arguing. And I’m not one to complain a lot either.

However, that doesn’t mean I’m not an opinionated or strong willed person. I definitely like to do things my way, and I’m not always good at conceding to other people’s recommendations. I might dislike butting heads, but it doesn’t necessarily mean I’m agreeable.

There’s a contradiction in there. I know it… I’m agreeable on the outside, but rather stubborn on the inside. When you’re passionate but you don’t like to fight, that’s a tough combination of traits to have.

Life is full of contradictions, though. And in many ways we are defined by our own inherent contradictions. And what I’ve discovered is that living a life of contradiction is kind of a good for a writer.

It’s where a lot of the seeds for my stories and poems come from. But the fact that internal anguish is good source material for art, doesn’t necessarily make it easy to live with.

Here’s some other examples: I like solitude, but I don’t like feeling left alone. I like good conversation, but I don’t always like to talk very much. I love deep friendships, but I am not always motivated to make friends. I desire calm stability, but I need variety and spontaneity to feel alive.

Real life is teeming with paradoxical shit, and I hate it. The line that stands out to me right now is, “maybe you put the shackles on yourself … maybe you are your own best agitator.” It really makes you think about freedom and what it is that’s sometimes holding you back. Do our natural contradictions define us or do they limit us? It’s difficult to know.

Regardless, we should take comfort in the fact that it’s our contradictory nature that makes us human. Robots, for instance—any kind of machine intelligence—can’t hold two contradictory mental states at the same time. The conflict must somehow be resolved in order to function.

We as humans can thrive in a world of unanswered questions. We are much better at living with our own paradoxes.

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Franco Amati 2025

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