What stayed with me was the distinction between talking at someone and talking with someone. Sometimes conversation doesn’t disappear because words are missing, but because no one stays long enough to be changed by what they are hearing.
so true! well said, Antonio. it's not about the modality or the content of the words, it's about the presence and staying long enough to be changed by what you're hearing. thank you.
You said it. I've had more than a few instances recently where it feels like the person I'm talking to isn't even hearing what I'm saying but just waiting to get their own words in edgewise. When simple conversation feels like a competition, it's exhausting.
Thank you for this. The line that’s staying with me is “we don’t listen, we just anticipate our next turn.” As an editor, that’s my diagnosis too — much of what fails in writing is the same impulse on the page; a writer not paying attention to what the sentence before just said. I think you’ve named something I’d been circling without being able to articulate.
thank you Laura. this is a really great point. being mindful and aware in writing is very similar, because let's face it, the best writing feels like a good conversation.
Yes, and I think that’s why your piece resonated. It read as someone speaking to me rather than past me, which is exactly the quality your poem and essay both name as missing. Form and content doing the same work.
It is so true "we all live outside ourselves now" and we are constantly pulled to the external. That is why my internal practices are so important to me - otherwise I would take off like a Banksy balloon. Sometimes I do!
I’ve been meaning to write something about communication. I love convos on the phone for hours at a time with friends… but it took some time for my friends to get back into actually picking up their phones, since texting is so convenient, but something gets lost there. Now they actually call me unexpectedly starting the conversation with… well you started it! Seeing my phone ring with my friend’s picture makes me smile!
Like Derrick said, I think there's this spillover from contexts where people care more about looking smarter or more competent in the interaction. Like when we're at work or in academic settings, especially in America, there's this pressure to put your stamp on things. Like merely listening and taking things in seems passive when the culture rewards constant assertiveness and displays of competence. You've definitely touched on something poignant in today's world.
Covid isolated us. It's hard to converse through a mask. You can't see the other person's expression. You have to shout from six feet away. My wife and I lost a lot of our social connections during that time. Then she suffered from some debilitating back problems that made it difficult to stand or walk. This has further isolated us. But we do have deep conversations with each other. Terrific observations on the human condition, as always, Franco.
that's good that you still have deep conversations with each other. that's important. you're right. that time period wreaked havoc on many of our conversations and many of us have never gotten back to where we used to be.
Really good. Thank you. This line is what stuck with me "Where did all the deep conversations go?". Might be a little sad to state that I've only known one person whom I felt was actually listening when I talked about something deeply personal. I can tell when someone tunes out so I learned to keep it superficial with some people over the years.
I agree, and feel it too. Except weirdly, online with other writers, and sometimes email/messages with friends, there can still be real give and take. Maybe we have forgotten how to exist in 3D?
This morning, I was listening to Robert Harrison discussing the fact that it seems as if no one can even initiate or maintain small talk, as if everything is deferred to the abounding noise. Perhaps this lack of deep conversations goes deep into the root of polishing one's life to be the most productive within a system that encourages 'efficiency' and 'competition' more than anything else. The moment one sits down for a conversation that doesn't pertain to that, one is either wasting time or falling behind, and within that mindset, no profound conversation can be upheld.
exactly, i think you have found the crux of it. we never feel like we have enough time to really get into the thick of it. and if you look at the control mechanisms of society, it seems like it's by design
I find that to be very true in recent times. I also think that the sensitivity of modern society is hair-trigger now that agree to disagree (which used to be healthy and respected) has become an enemy camp at first utterance of disagreement. People have lost the ability to disagree and stay cordial. They become feral and nasty (cancel culture) it makes me wonder if we’re all just so distracted with nonsense that we can’t sit still enough to listen.
you're right. even minor disagreements are taken as threats. everything is so extreme and polarizing. excellent point. makes even basic conversations challenging.
What stayed with me was the distinction between talking at someone and talking with someone. Sometimes conversation doesn’t disappear because words are missing, but because no one stays long enough to be changed by what they are hearing.
so true! well said, Antonio. it's not about the modality or the content of the words, it's about the presence and staying long enough to be changed by what you're hearing. thank you.
You said it. I've had more than a few instances recently where it feels like the person I'm talking to isn't even hearing what I'm saying but just waiting to get their own words in edgewise. When simple conversation feels like a competition, it's exhausting.
well said, Derrick. it is tiresome for sure. Thank you for your input!
This is so good brother. We all just want that person we can talk to and feel heard. Your poetry often feels like a dialogue and that's no easy feat.
thank you brother, I appreciate you acknowledging that.
Thank you for this. The line that’s staying with me is “we don’t listen, we just anticipate our next turn.” As an editor, that’s my diagnosis too — much of what fails in writing is the same impulse on the page; a writer not paying attention to what the sentence before just said. I think you’ve named something I’d been circling without being able to articulate.
thank you Laura. this is a really great point. being mindful and aware in writing is very similar, because let's face it, the best writing feels like a good conversation.
Yes, and I think that’s why your piece resonated. It read as someone speaking to me rather than past me, which is exactly the quality your poem and essay both name as missing. Form and content doing the same work.
thank you Laura :)
“con-ver-say-shun” Love how you put this. It’s like we are shunning what is said. At our loneliest while being impenetrable.
ah look at that. good catch. didn't even realize i did that. but it totally works. thanks for reading Deanna :)
It is so true "we all live outside ourselves now" and we are constantly pulled to the external. That is why my internal practices are so important to me - otherwise I would take off like a Banksy balloon. Sometimes I do!
ha yeah, I often feel like the lost balloon myself. the constant pull toward the external is a tough struggle. for sure. thank you Anne.
Hang on in there Franco!
thank you 😊
I’ve been meaning to write something about communication. I love convos on the phone for hours at a time with friends… but it took some time for my friends to get back into actually picking up their phones, since texting is so convenient, but something gets lost there. Now they actually call me unexpectedly starting the conversation with… well you started it! Seeing my phone ring with my friend’s picture makes me smile!
yes, sometimes we have to remind people that there are better ways to connect. great example! :)
Like Derrick said, I think there's this spillover from contexts where people care more about looking smarter or more competent in the interaction. Like when we're at work or in academic settings, especially in America, there's this pressure to put your stamp on things. Like merely listening and taking things in seems passive when the culture rewards constant assertiveness and displays of competence. You've definitely touched on something poignant in today's world.
great point Vee, the faux competence thing is a problem that plagues us right now.
Covid isolated us. It's hard to converse through a mask. You can't see the other person's expression. You have to shout from six feet away. My wife and I lost a lot of our social connections during that time. Then she suffered from some debilitating back problems that made it difficult to stand or walk. This has further isolated us. But we do have deep conversations with each other. Terrific observations on the human condition, as always, Franco.
that's good that you still have deep conversations with each other. that's important. you're right. that time period wreaked havoc on many of our conversations and many of us have never gotten back to where we used to be.
Really good. Thank you. This line is what stuck with me "Where did all the deep conversations go?". Might be a little sad to state that I've only known one person whom I felt was actually listening when I talked about something deeply personal. I can tell when someone tunes out so I learned to keep it superficial with some people over the years.
thank you Lara. here’s to more deep conversations in the future! and less people tuning out thank you for your comment.
I hear you, but I’m not holding my breath but it’s early days. That said, every once in a while I have a genuinely great convo with an Uber driver.
I agree, and feel it too. Except weirdly, online with other writers, and sometimes email/messages with friends, there can still be real give and take. Maybe we have forgotten how to exist in 3D?
agreed there's pockets online where things feel more genuine that what everyone else call “real life”. but it’s all real to me. thank steffany
This a great poem that identifies the modern duality we feel as a result of technology or just the times well done.
thank you Cedric!
I find most people don’t listen to understand. They’re always thinking about what to say next.
that's the feeling i get too. it's sad. anyway thank you for the coffee today! very grateful ☺️ ♥️
This morning, I was listening to Robert Harrison discussing the fact that it seems as if no one can even initiate or maintain small talk, as if everything is deferred to the abounding noise. Perhaps this lack of deep conversations goes deep into the root of polishing one's life to be the most productive within a system that encourages 'efficiency' and 'competition' more than anything else. The moment one sits down for a conversation that doesn't pertain to that, one is either wasting time or falling behind, and within that mindset, no profound conversation can be upheld.
exactly, i think you have found the crux of it. we never feel like we have enough time to really get into the thick of it. and if you look at the control mechanisms of society, it seems like it's by design
There is no pun intended here at all, and so, in all earnestness, I mean it when I say — this one was deep, Franco :)
thank you Michael, i appreciate that. and you. cheers.
I find that to be very true in recent times. I also think that the sensitivity of modern society is hair-trigger now that agree to disagree (which used to be healthy and respected) has become an enemy camp at first utterance of disagreement. People have lost the ability to disagree and stay cordial. They become feral and nasty (cancel culture) it makes me wonder if we’re all just so distracted with nonsense that we can’t sit still enough to listen.
you're right. even minor disagreements are taken as threats. everything is so extreme and polarizing. excellent point. makes even basic conversations challenging.